A mother’s feelings..

Assalamualaikum. I’m writing today to express my feelings that could easily be touched these days. Maybe you’d feel that way once you’re a mother. It’s been hard to hold back tears no matter if it’s for joy or sadness. Latest tears shed were because my eldest son turned 2 years old today. How time flies and he’d grown so beautifully. Alhamdulillah.

I watched Bio channel on Astro last few nights with my husband on baby’s delivery. I watched carefully on the process of normal delivery. It looked so easy. Of course..they only show you when it’s time for the baby to pop out. When the delivery process is over, they placed the baby on the mother’s chest. I then started to burst out crying inconsolably..uhhh..the feeling of jealousy rushed through my every single vein. At least that was how it felt..=(

Okay, here’s the story. My husband and I have 6 siblings each. Mine all girls and his all boys. We’re so used to having many siblings that we wish to give the same to our children. The more the merrier they said, and it’s entirely true based on our experience. Once I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I had wings to fly. ;-)

My first baby - My water broke on the 21/6/10 at 10pm while we were about to go to sleep and did. I felt like going to the toilet at 1am. I got up and a lot of warm water rushed down my legs and we decided to go to the hospital. It was only 2cm opened and the hospital was full so they referred me to another hospital. We went to my panel clinic instead to try our luck. They induced me but my baby stayed put at his normal position and did not budge..I kept on telling him that it’s time for you to come out little one. At about 3pm, the dr told me that I had to go to the OT..sigh..I cried like a river flow..blamed myself, blamed the baby, (for no reason) It’s not like he knows what to do. I’m telling you, a pregnant mother’s emotion is very3 fragile and they are able to do lots of stupid things esp when it’s time to deliver or in confinement and under stressed moments like this. I was transferred to another hospital since I don’t think I could afford the private clinic..by ambulance. I couldn’t tell on how i felt..i never went for any minor surgery and suddenly was going for a big 1..hmmm. Alas, baby Yang Syahir was safely delivered at 6.56pm at 3.42kgs on 22/6/10..Alhamdulillah.

My second baby – Due date was 26/10/11. We waited patiently but 10 days later I had an appointment to force baby to come out and see the world..hehe. I was induced at 11am on 4/11/11 alone without no company. I bared the pain and agony as long as I could and was pushed to the delivery room at hmmm..i’m not so sure about the time for this 1 as it felt soooo long..but I remembered that 6cm was opened after 16hours and baby pooped in me...off to the OT again..redha with God’s fate at that moment. During the surgery, I felt like my heart stopped a few times..I even thought I was dying. I thought of my family throughout the whole surgery. I prayed hard for a longer life for they need me esp my babies and I need them too. I was so nervous when the doctors started asking 'eh..what's wrong with her heart?'..and the nurses asked me if I was okay. Tears ran down my cheeks but the nurses calmed me down and kept on asking me questions to keep me awake. The doctor told me later that I had bigeminy ( a state where your heart alternates one "normal" beat with one "premature" beat). Means that it was beating at irregular rhythm. This time I got to see the whole process. Baby came out at 1.15am on 5/11/11 at 3.64kgs..Alhamdulillah.

Both babies were safely delivered through surgery. I went to both surgeries feeling so alone, scared, and sad. Even my husband was not allowed to be there for me. I was not able to hold my babies and feed them immediately after they were born. The saddest part is that it’s not possible for me to provide them with lots of siblings anymore like what their parents have. I was the first to deliver my babies through c-sec in the family. Maybe that’s why I’m so easily touched when it comes to pregnancies n babies.

Here's the difference..

Normal delivery

My babies delivery

God..You’re almighty..I believe that you know what’s best for me and my family. The sad part was just a test for me to be much stronger day by day. My babies are growing very beautifully and healthily..plus you gave me strength to breastfeed both of them without failing. I love them so very much. I believe that I am capable of doing anything at all in the world now thanks to you dear God..we can choose to live the sorrow and be glum with our past or choose to strive for the best for our future. The choice is in our hands so be glad and cherish your Love, Laugh and Life..while you can..;-)

Here's mine..

Yang Syahir & Yang Syafiy