Assalamualaikum. I’m writing today to express my feelings
that could easily be touched these days. Maybe you’d feel that way once you’re
a mother. It’s been hard to hold back tears no matter if it’s for joy or
sadness. Latest tears shed were because my eldest son turned 2 years old today.
How time flies and he’d grown so beautifully. Alhamdulillah.
I watched Bio channel on Astro last few nights with my
husband on baby’s delivery. I watched carefully on the process of normal
delivery. It looked so easy. Of course..they only show you when it’s time for
the baby to pop out. When the delivery process is over, they placed the baby on
the mother’s chest. I then started to burst out crying inconsolably..uhhh..the
feeling of jealousy rushed through my every single vein. At least that was
how it felt..=(
Okay, here’s the story. My husband and I have 6 siblings
each. Mine all girls and his all boys. We’re so used to having many siblings
that we wish to give the same to our children. The more the merrier they said,
and it’s entirely true based on our experience. Once I found out I was
pregnant, I felt like I had wings to fly. ;-)
My first baby - My water broke on the 21/6/10 at 10pm
while we were about to go to sleep and did. I felt like going to the toilet at
1am. I got up and a lot of warm water rushed down my legs and we decided to go
to the hospital. It was only 2cm opened and the hospital was full so they
referred me to another hospital. We went to my panel clinic instead to try our
luck. They induced me but my baby stayed put at his normal position and did not budge..I kept on
telling him that it’s time for you to come out little one. At about 3pm, the dr
told me that I had to go to the OT..sigh..I cried like a river flow..blamed
myself, blamed the baby, (for no reason) It’s not like he knows what to do. I’m
telling you, a pregnant mother’s emotion is very3 fragile and they are able to
do lots of stupid things esp when it’s time to deliver or in confinement and
under stressed moments like this. I was transferred to another hospital since I
don’t think I could afford the private clinic..by ambulance. I couldn’t tell on
how i felt..i never went for any minor surgery and suddenly was going for a big
1..hmmm. Alas, baby Yang Syahir was safely delivered at 6.56pm at 3.42kgs on 22/6/10..Alhamdulillah.
My second baby – Due date was 26/10/11. We waited patiently
but 10 days later I had an appointment to force baby to come out and see the
world..hehe. I was induced at 11am on 4/11/11 alone without no company. I bared
the pain and agony as long as I could and was pushed to the delivery room at
hmmm..i’m not so sure about the time for this 1 as it felt soooo long..but I
remembered that 6cm was opened after 16hours and baby pooped in me...off to the
OT again..redha with God’s fate at that moment. During the surgery, I felt like
my heart stopped a few times..I even thought I was dying. I thought of my
family throughout the whole surgery. I prayed hard for a longer life for they
need me esp my babies and I need them too. I was so nervous when the doctors started asking 'eh..what's wrong with her heart?'..and the nurses asked me if I was okay. Tears ran down my cheeks but the
nurses calmed me down and kept on asking me questions to keep me awake. The doctor
told me later that I had bigeminy ( a state where your heart alternates
one "normal" beat with one "premature" beat). Means that it
was beating at irregular rhythm. This time I got to see the whole process. Baby
came out at 1.15am on 5/11/11 at 3.64kgs..Alhamdulillah.
Both babies were safely delivered through surgery. I went to
both surgeries feeling so alone, scared, and sad. Even my husband was not allowed to be there for me. I was not able to hold my babies and feed them immediately after they were born. The saddest part is that it’s
not possible for me to provide them with lots of siblings anymore like what
their parents have. I was the first to deliver my babies through c-sec in the
family. Maybe that’s why I’m so easily touched when it comes to pregnancies n
babies.
Here's the difference..
Normal delivery
My babies delivery
God..You’re almighty..I believe that you know what’s best
for me and my family. The sad part was just a test for me to be much stronger
day by day. My babies are growing very beautifully and healthily..plus you gave
me strength to breastfeed both of them without failing. I love them so very
much. I believe that I am capable of doing anything at all in the world now
thanks to you dear God..we can choose to live the sorrow and be glum with our
past or choose to strive for the best for our future. The choice is in our
hands so be glad and cherish your Love, Laugh and Life..while you can..;-)
Here's mine..
Yang Syahir & Yang Syafiy
